Monday, October 25, 2010

A Wide Line

It's amazing how quickly life can change once you make the decision to just let it. I wanted out of my miserable marriage. It was no longer a matter of if I would leave, but of when. I felt guilty and terrified. As justified as I felt after almost nine years of fighting and resenting, I hated myself for what I was about to do. That was four years ago.

Since then, my life has done a one-eighty. I’m now happily married to a wonderful man, and we’re indescribably perfect for each other. We have a lovely home, and we’re expecting our first child in March. I have never been so happy or at peace. If you would’ve told me four years ago that I would end up in this beautiful place, I would've directed you to the nearest loony bin.

So what happened? I’ve spent the last four years unlearning destructive habits and learning to let go of control. I highly recommend therapy to everyone, especially those who say they don’t need it. I used to try to make happiness, as if it was something I could brew in a pot if only I could find the right recipe. I was going to make everyone around me happy, and only then maybe I could be happy, too. I was perpetually anxious, as anyone would be who had that many plates spinning on poles. I was so tightly wound, the slightest inclination that one of those plates would fall was enough to induce a colossal overreaction. By my own choice, I was ruled by others’ expectations and bottomless needs. I constantly felt guilty that I wasn’t doing enough, that I couldn’t do enough, and my anger and resentment toward those I felt responsible for gradually built a thick wall around my heart. But that was then.

From being tormented by guilt and anger to finding love and peace, all because I am learning to let go of control and fear, to allow instead of make. I slowly came to the realization that happiness isn’t mine to make. It can actually happen without having to try so hard, without having to achieve perfection. And the happiness I find is a hell of a lot better than any I could've ever made. This blog documents that journey and the results of the conscious decision I make every day to let go, allow and accept. 
My amazing husband and unborn child are my inspiration to make that decision. A new life is about to enter our lives, and he or she will be beautiful and perfect. Our child will be raised in home full of love and calm. The old me would’ve been in panic about how to make that happen, but now I just know that it will. 
Who says a balance has to be delicate? Happiness shouldn't be that difficult to achieve, or so precarious once you've found it. I no longer walk a fine line. No more treading lightly. No more eggshells. The line I walk now is strong and wide – wide enough for a loving family to walk with me.