It's amazing how quickly life can change once you make the decision to just let it. I wanted out of my miserable marriage. It was no longer a matter of if I would leave, but of when. I felt guilty and terrified. As justified as I felt after almost nine years of fighting and resenting, I hated myself for what I was about to do. That was four years ago.
Since then, my life has done a one-eighty. I’m now happily married to a wonderful man, and we’re indescribably perfect for each other. We have a lovely home, and we’re expecting our first child in March. I have never been so happy or at peace. If you would’ve told me four years ago that I would end up in this beautiful place, I would've directed you to the nearest loony bin.
So what happened? I’ve spent the last four years unlearning destructive habits and learning to let go of control. I highly recommend therapy to everyone, especially those who say they don’t need it. I used to try to make happiness, as if it was something I could brew in a pot if only I could find the right recipe. I was going to make everyone around me happy, and only then maybe I could be happy, too. I was perpetually anxious, as anyone would be who had that many plates spinning on poles. I was so tightly wound, the slightest inclination that one of those plates would fall was enough to induce a colossal overreaction. By my own choice, I was ruled by others’ expectations and bottomless needs. I constantly felt guilty that I wasn’t doing enough, that I couldn’t do enough, and my anger and resentment toward those I felt responsible for gradually built a thick wall around my heart. But that was then.
From being tormented by guilt and anger to finding love and peace, all because I am learning to let go of control and fear, to allow instead of make. I slowly came to the realization that happiness isn’t mine to make. It can actually happen without having to try so hard, without having to achieve perfection. And the happiness I find is a hell of a lot better than any I could've ever made. This blog documents that journey and the results of the conscious decision I make every day to let go, allow and accept.

Who says a balance has to be delicate? Happiness shouldn't be that difficult to achieve, or so precarious once you've found it. I no longer walk a fine line. No more treading lightly. No more eggshells. The line I walk now is strong and wide – wide enough for a loving family to walk with me.