So there I am, on my hands and knees, butt pointing out toward an entire room of people. How did I get myself into this awkward situation, you ask? The same way I always get into awkward situations. Someone needs help, I feel bad for them, I think “how bad could it be?” and so I offer my assistance. Then before I know it, I find myself deeply regretting being so empathetic. This time, it resulted in a room full of people are staring at my ass.
Matt and I were in an all-day child birth class on Saturday. After witnessing a few videos that erased all the mystery behind the baby birthing process, most of us were a little squeamish. Beth, the instructor, had a hard time getting volunteers for her demonstrations all day. Once, she asked for a few dads to volunteer, and no one would stand up until she said all they had to do was pass out cups of ice. After watching her just picking people a few times, I felt bad for her and for not raising my hand. Then she said she needed someone to help her demonstrate how the dads can give the moms a nice lower back massage to help ease labor discomfort. Not being one to turn down a free massage, I raised my hand. This one seemed harmless enough.
Until she told me to kneel on the mat on all fours. Yes, she used the words “all fours.” Specifically, Beth wanted my rear end to face out to the group, which was formed in a circle, while she knelt behind me and squeezed my hips. All I could do was laugh, which made the rest of the class laugh and relieved a little bit of that “oh, that poor girl” tension. That is, until she told all the men to get up and crowd around so they could see what she was doing.
What?! This was quickly becoming a nightmare, and I found myself hoping I didn’t have a visible thong line. Beth kept saying, “come on, guys, come closer.” Slowly, hesitantly, all the men started to get up.
You have to find the humor in situations like this. By now, all my pride had gone out the window, so I just gave into the situation. I turned my head, looked over my own rear end, and said to the group, “It’s okay. You can come look at my butt.” Everyone laughed, and the fellas gathered around to take a gander at my giant caboose sticking up in the air.
“So what you do is, find that spot on each side between her hip bone and where her femur connects, and you squeeze her butt together like this.” At this point, I’m laughing pretty hard, and so is the rest of the class.
Luckily, the Hubs was laughing, too. Matt watched this spectacle from his chair with a huge smile on his face. The woman next to him asked if he was okay with this. “It’s okay,” he said. “She’s got a good butt.” Thanks, honey.
