Thursday, June 9, 2011

If life had no Q

Written in response to Mama Kat’s prompt #3 this week: Describe what you think your life would be like if you had never had kids.

It took a little longer to get pregnant than we’d hoped. I didn’t have to wait as long as many women have had to wait, but long enough for me to start worrying. We had just begun fertility testing when that little plus sign turned up and we got pregnant the old fashioned way.

I had started freaking out a little too soon. That’s what I do.

Before that incredible moment, my heart was heavy with guilt. What if I couldn’t have children? Would my husband regret marrying me? Am I letting him down? It’s not fair that he has to give up his dream of having a family because of me.

Once I got the courage to share these fears with him, he immediately put me at ease. He said he just needed me, and anything else was a bonus. Isn’t he a great guy?

With my fears of disappointing Hubs put to rest, I began to imagine what life would be like without children. My desire to have a baby never diminished, not even a little bit, but I grew confident we would be happy even if it were just the two of us.

Hubs and I love to travel, and we often succumbed to the temptations emailed to us by Travel Zoo and Trip Advisor. He has to travel for business, too, and my job allows me the freedom to work from almost anywhere so I could tag along with him. We frequently took mini-vacations on weekends to Lake Tahoe, Santa Barbara and other nearby destinations. I imagined all the places we would go, the photos we’d take and the memories we’d create, just us. I even got a little excited at the prospect of more international travel together.

Hubs taught me to snowboard a few years ago, and I immediately fell in love with the sport. I figured if it was just him and me, every winter weekend would be spent on the slopes in Tahoe, and we’d even take some destination snow vacations to Colorado and Utah.

We also LOVE wine. Not that we know much about it, we just love to drink it. I assumed our nightly wine consumption would continue, or even increase if that were possible. We’d spend weekends in Napa and other beautiful California wine regions.

In addition to wild, spontaneous adventures and heavy drinking, I imagined our day to day to include going out with friends, staying up late or turning in early, watching movies from start to finish, and having extra money to spend on selfish things instead of baby food and college funds. 

We would do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted.

Focusing on my career would be nice, too, I thought. I wouldn’t be burdened with the mom-guilt that many of my mommy friends suffer from. I could throw myself into my job and move up the ranks, and eventually start my own business, like I always dreamed of. And I could do it all without feeling like crap because I should be spending time with my kids instead. It will be nice not to have to choose between career and family, I told myself.

A life without children had started to sound bearable, even down-right enjoyable. So I relaxed and stopped trying to control the future. Then… something even better happened.

We had Quinn.

Our son was born in March 2011. Our little Q-man, Q-maximus, Cutie-Q.Q-pernicus because our universe now centers around him (sorry, nerd humor). And now I can’t imagine our lives without him.

We still do all that other stuff – we travel, snowboard, watch movies, drink wine, go out with friends. I can still work and start my own business if I want to. It all just takes a bit more planning, that’s all. Except sleeping – we don’t do a lot of that these days. But it’s so worth it. I mean, look at that face.