So you’re about to be a dad. Congrats, dude. That’s awesome.
Everyone keeps telling you that everything is about to change, and you smile
and nod politely. But in your head you’re thinking, “Yeah, duh, no shit.”
I know this because I thought the same thing when I was
pregnant. Of course everything is
going to change. We’re having a baby.
Hello?!
But seriously, dude. Shit’s about to get real.
Take it from this new mom. Since I’ve made it through my
first year of parenthood and lived to tell about it, let me give you a little
advice that other parents are not going to tell you. As a first time dad, here’s
what you really need to know.
#1: You can shove
your to-do list.
I know the lawn needs
mowing, and there are weeds to pull, and there’s faucet dripping somewhere, and
the porch light burned out, and blah blah blah. I know you might be feeling a
bit useless right now, and you aren’t sure what you can do to help your wife
with this new baby since she’s the keeper of the boob juice. So it’s tempting
to focus on the chores and errands because you think that will make you Super
Husband and Dad of the Year.
You’re wrong. Sit down.
You need to sit and hold this baby. No, not like a football.
Like a baby. Your wife has not peed in, like, eight hours. She has not eaten
anything all day. She has not showered or even brushed her teeth. She has done nothing
but hold this baby that cries every time she puts it down. You’re finally home
from work. Now sit and hold this baby so your wife can go pee. Trust me, that’s
way more important than anything you have on your to-do list.
Unless, of course, she tells you to go mow the lawn. Then why are you still sitting there?!
And may God help you if you even think about dropping on the couch, turning on the game, and
complaining that you’re tired.
#2: You’ve got a role
in breastfeeding.
And that role is called Errand Boy. As soon as your wife
gets that baby latched, she’ll realize ten things she needs. Get her a glass of
water and something to nibble on. (The baby’s going to be there for while.) Make
sure she has the remote control, her cell phone, enough pillows, and anything
else she asks for. And make sure all of these items are within three inches of
her because she won’t be able to reach far.
And please don’t make her watch the football game or one of
your lame TV shows while she’s nursing. It’s bad enough she’s chained to the
couch for next forty-five minutes or more (per
feeding, which is every 2-3 hours). She has nothing else to do than stare
at the TV, so please put on something you both enjoy. Or just something she
enjoys, if you’re really going after that Super Husband and Dad of the Year
award.
Oh, and remember those foot massages you were giving out so
freely while she was pregnant? Yeah, keep those comin’, buddy. Breastfeeding
hurts like a muther in the beginning.
Her feet shouldn’t have to hurt, too.
#3: Breast milk is
liquid gold.
Pumping sucks. It more than sucks. It super sucks. It takes,
like, a zillion years to pump two ounces sometimes. So all that breast milk in
your fridge took a long time to obtain. Sacred, baby-free time that your wife
could’ve spent doing other important things. (Like peeing and brushing her teeth.
See #1.) Do not waste this milk. Do not treat it lightly. If she tells you not
to touch it, don’t touch it. Her boobs created that milk, so she’s in charge of
it.
If your wife accidently spills some, there will be tears. If
you accidently spill some, there will be worse.
(#2 and #3 in this list assume you’re going to give your
baby breast milk at least some of the time. If that’s not the case, don’t think
you’re off the hook. Dads can prep bottles of formula, too.)
#4: Your new role is
Roadie.
If you really want to know how it’s
done, take a lesson from my Hubs. He took on the role of roadie after our son was born, and it’s been awesome! Admittedly, it took us a little
while to get into this rhythm, so give it time and you’ll find yours, too.
Go ahead and read the My Roadie post. I can wait. (Insert Jeopardy music.)
I know what you’re thinking. My
Hubs does set the bar pretty high. But the bad news is your wife is already aware of this. That’s why she sent you a link to this post.
What advice do you have for first time dads?
