Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I should be sleeping



I can get easily overwhelmed by all there is to do. In those rare moments when Quinn is asleep and the dishes are done and the laundry is going, I can finally focus on the long list of neglected items. But the list grows faster that I can cross the items off, and I become paralyzed.

A few weeks ago, before we knew that Hubs’ foot was actually broken, he took Q over to his parents’ house for the afternoon. I had four hours in the house all alone. Four hours. I accomplished a fantastic amount during that time. I was a machine. And yet, it didn’t feel like enough. I didn’t have that proud, satisfied feeling when it was over.

Maybe because the list is still so long. Maybe because I kept bouncing from project to project, trying to accomplish too much at once. Maybe because no matter what I was doing, I felt like should be doing something else. Maybe because I kept waiting for the phone call that Quinn was really cranky and they needed me to go get them. I had hoped all that accomplishing would calm me, but the stress and spin remained. 

When am I ever going to have four hours alone in the house again? How much time would I need to actually feel like it’s enough? How much do need to accomplish to feel proud of myself?

These are the thoughts that keep my stressed out brain buzzing at night when I should be sleeping. I stay up too late. My sleep is broken and restless. Too many action items. Too many thoughts.


Why isn’t Quinn walking yet? He took his first steps weeks ago, and yet he still won’t take more than two or three steps at a time, and even that’s rare. Is it my imagination, or does he walk on the inside of his left foot? Hubs says not to worry, but I’m going to ask the doc about it at his appointment in a few weeks.

Ugh! That’s Q’s fifteen-month appointment, and he’s still not walking. I feel like such a failure. The doc is going to think so, too. Hubs says we just need to practice with him more. We? He has a broken foot, so I have to practice with him more. But with what time? I’m already pulling double-duty. I spend every waking moment with Q, but it’s still not enough. I can’t do this by myself….


Quinn only nurses at bedtime now. Weaning him from the other feedings has been pretty easy, but this is the big one. Could tonight really have been the very last time I ever nurse him? I’ll be happy to get my boobs back, but it’s bittersweet. I’ll miss those tender moments with my baby boy, who’s no longer a baby. I’m nervous to try putting Q down at night without nursing him. I had hoped Hubs would be able to help me during this time, but I don’t want to wait three months until his cast comes off. Crossing my fingers that we get sleep this week….


I can’t believe that I have been a legal adult in this country for fifteen years, and I’m just now being summoned for jury duty. I hope they’ll honor my request to be excused. I don’t have any long-term daycare options. Why couldn’t they have summoned me years ago when it would have been a cinch to get time off of work? But noooo, they have to wait until I’m a SAHM with a fourteen month old baby and husband with a broken foot. Don’t they know there’s no time-off policy for full-time moms? There’s never a convenient time to be juror, but now? Really? Jerks….


Q’s started coughing again. I shouldn’t have taken him to the daycare at the gym this morning. But otherwise I wouldn’t be able to go to the gym at all! Not like it matters. Q cried when I left and didn’t stop. I didn’t even get through my warm-up before the daycare worker came to find me.*sigh* I’m going to have this post-baby belly forever….


I have to get my flight to Michigan booked. I’m nervous about flying with Q by myself. How will I pack all of our stuff into one bag? Maybe if I send my mom a small grocery list, she can go to the store for me before we get there. I hope one of my cousins has a pack-n-play and high chair we can borrow. I hope Q is happy on the plane. He doesn’t nurse anymore, so what if his little ears hurt? I’ll need to bring enough food on the plane for three meals. I need more arms….


I should be sleeping. But I’m not. I’m spinning



10 comments:

  1. I know this is going to sound REALLY silly, but have you ever tried coloring before bed? Of course you haven't, because you're an adult, and spend enough of your day doing child-related things. But, it could really help.

    I recently participated in a stress management type of workshop and they recommended coloring inside of shapes (for instance filling in a Mandala), using colors that best represent the emotions you're feeling in the moment. It acts as though you're acknowledging the worry, anxiousness, frustration, etc, instead of constantly running over the thoughts in your mind. It's supposed to help you address the feelings and then move on. Also, supposedly, you'll fall right to sleep after and dream in vivid colors.

    I can only confirm the first two parts. After about 15-20 minutes of coloring, I don't feel very anxious at all, and I'm suddenly very tired. I fall asleep pretty quickly following the activity. It might be worth a try.

    I can email you a PowerPoint of my favorite pics to color in, if you'd like. Let me know.

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    1. Katrina, you're the sweetest. I love this idea, and I don't think it's silly at all. In fact, I can't wait until Q is old enough to draw and color. Mommy's going to pull up a chair right next to him! I think this is an awesome idea, and I would love to try it. Please email me your faves! Thanks!!

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  2. Hi Melissa, my daughter also did not walk until 15 months and I too, was wondering what was wrong with this kid. Needless to say, she's fine. As far as plane trips - we took her on the plane many times as a baby and she did well. There may be some meds you can give Q to help with his ears, like benadryl - ask your doc, but it will all work out! Enjoy the visit with your mom!! Lisa

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    1. Thanks, Lisa! I'm so not above drugging my kid to make him sleepy on flights. :) Unfortunately, Benedryl seems to have the opposite effect on Q, but ibuprofen makes him tired. He'll probably need that for teething pain anyway. What a lucky coincidence. :)

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  3. JDaniel didn't walk until 16 months. I was so worried. Now he runs all over the place!

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    1. Thanks, JD4M. That makes me feel better. JDaniel looks like a sweet, happy and active little guy. :)

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  4. You sound like me! Only my thoughts are more like: "when I should I put the crib together, I need to paint the nursery, clean the cupboards out, buy this and that, and on and on and on".

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    1. Oh, yes. I remember well the pre-baby to-do list that never actually ends before the baby arrives because you can always think of things to add to it. Your baby will come into this world and join a loving family, and that's all s/he needs. Xoxo!

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  5. And also, when I flew with B I would have him drink his bottle during take off and landing. It helped with his ears :-) and don't stress too much. Enjoy your trip home. If I can somehow get my items to you, you can borrow whatever baby things you need. Maybe I'll bring B to visit you :-)

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    1. Meg, I would LOVE to see you. I'll email you and we'll figure something out.

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