Thursday, May 31, 2012

Perfectly Normal Things I Never Want to Do

If you’ve read my blog even a little bit, you know that I’m not a lazy ass. I’m driven by accomplishment, and few things make me happier than getting stuff done.

But some things just sound like a shit-ton of work, and I’m exhausted at the mere thought of them. Here are three perfectly normal things that I never ever want to do.

#1. Have a yard sale

After spending hours, if not days, cleaning out closets and drawers and nooks and crannies, you organize all your unwanted crap on tables and tarps on your front lawn. Hoarders, collectors and cheap-asses swarm in and start picking through your stuff and turning their noses up at it. (Yeah, like their crap is sooo much better.) Champion yard sale negotiators will haggle with you over fifty cents. Other people slowly drive by with their heads out the window, reject your crap from a distance, and keep on driving without stopping.

At the end of the day, you’re left with most of your unwanted crap still sitting on your lawn. All that effort for what? A few extra bucks? Meh.  

If I have something good I want to get rid of, I’ll attempt to sell it on eBay. (Someone actually bought all of my barely used scrapbooking stuff about 4.8 seconds after I posted it. Holla!) But if for some reason my super awesome items don’t sell on eBay (why won’t anyone buy my old CD collection?), I have no problem dropping them off at Goodwill or tossing them in the trash.

Simple. Easy. Done. That’s how I like it. No sitting in my front yard all day. No strangers sniffing around my things. No price tags made of masking tape.

#2. Be a classroom mom

I love kids. Really, I do. However, being in a classroom with thirty pre-schoolers sounds like a little piece of hell.

I’m currently educating myself on all the pre-school options in our area, and I’m completely overwhelmed by all the different types. I didn’t even know there were different types of pre-schools. For example, I had never heard of “parent participation schools” until recently. Going to school with your kid is an option? Does it make me a bad mom if I soooo don’t want to do that?

I mean, I’m not a pre-school teacher for a reason. It takes a special kind of beautiful person to take on that job, and I’m just not one of them.

I’m aware that I might have to eat my words on this one when Quinn starts pre-school. After all, I’m a huge control freak, and I’m insanely over-protective of my little boy. So there’s a chance I’ll change my mind and decide that witnessing what goes on in his classroom is worth enduring the yelling, whining and pants-wetting of thirty other four year olds. 

So maybe someday I’ll be that mom, but I won’t like it. I’ll probably start drinking. More than I already do.

#3. Go to Costco

Being in Costco isn’t as bad as spending a day with thirty screaming four year olds, but it’s damn close.

I can’t think of a single thing I like about Costco. No matter what time of day I go, it’s always a frickin’ madhouse. I don’t like finding a spot in that traffic jam of a parking lot. I don’t like waiting to show someone my special membership card before I can even enter the store. I don’t like maneuvering the extra large shopping cart around all the people bellying up around the free sample tables likes it’s Thanksgiving dinner.

I don’t like moving like molasses through the thick crowds of people. I don’t like not being able to tell what items are in an aisle without going down that aisle. I don’t like waiting in the world’s longest checkout lines. (Seriously, there better be a fucking roller coaster at the end of this thing.) And then, you have to wait in line again just to leave the store because someone needs to see your receipt and make sure you didn’t steal anything.

I don’t like how they don’t even bag your items… because all the merchandise is HUGE! I have to be a Tetris master to fit it all into my shopping cart, then fit it all into my car, then fit it all into my house. People try to convince me that it’s a better value to buy in bulk. I call bullshit! If I have a huge box of granola bars, I will just eat more granola bars. So I end up spending more money and eating more. Not good for the wallet or the waist line.

Shit. Now I really want a granola bar. 

What about you? What perfectly normal things do you refuse to do?


  1. I get it with the yard sale. It's like saying here is all the used stuff that I don't like - come and spend your money on it cheapskate.

    I have a huge list of stuff I never want to do, some big stuff like:

    1. Run a marathon - Now I know a million people do it but after about seven minutes I think to myself, Oh my God Make it stop, before collapsing in a heap.

    2. Climb Everest - why get cold and lose fingers to 'conquer' a mountain that is going to be there irrespective of whether you are around or not? That just sounds a bit dumb to me.

    More normal stuff:

    1: Pull Hair out of the Drain. I know it's mean but I get my cleaner to do that. It makes me feel sick and somehow reminds me of the stewed spinach my mother used to make me eat when I was little.

    2: Do my own taxes. I have a literal phobia about it, probably something to do with forcibly parting with money that is going to be given to bail out banks anyway.

    3. Buy stuff from telemarketers or anything that costs 19.99 on TV.

    1. I'm so with you on those! I will also never run a longer distance than from the car to my house or climb more than a few flights of stairs. And drain hair is mega nasty. Sounds like a job for Super Hubs. :)

  2. You are so funny! Being room mom is exhausting but it's fun...but I'm also a teacher so maybe that's why I like it! I would never have a garage sale but my husband loves them.

    1. Oh, Tiffany. You really do deserve a tiara or sash or trophy or something. Mad props to you for taking on the duties of being a teacher AND a room mom. I am in awe of your spirit. :)

  3. Oh Melissa I so completely agree with you about everything! Yard sales are a complete waste of time, and now I just donate to Goodwill. I too, have never been a room mom, even the few times I took off work to volunteer drove me batty. As for preschool that mom's attend too - isn't that missing the point. I think preschool is great for kids. It gives them a chance to interact with other kids, to grow, learn, develop....and it's hard for them to do that if mom is there. The first day I dropped off Melissa at preschool she screams as if I was sending her into surgery with no anesthesia. The teacher had to pry her out of my arms. I was so upset. Of course I called later and she was fine. She calmed down right after I left - but had I stayed she would have clung to me and never enjoyed it! Hey, I think I just came up with an idea for my next blog post!!

    1. That would be a GREAT story for a blog post! I think parent participation schools defeat the purpose too, but maybe for some kids (and moms!) who struggle with separation, that's the right solution. Q's so clingy these days, I really hope it's better by the time he starts preschool!

  4. I'm so with you on the yard sale. I can just imagine my neighbors... shudder, no thank you. I had one years and years ago at a friends house and it wasn't too bad... now I usually just give away things or bring them to goodwill. I also hate going to Costco... that's why I send the hubby. He doesn't mind!!! We love buying meat and chicken etc there... but then I'm feeding a family of five!!! I've never had the title of classroom mom... don't have the time with 2 other kids wanting my attention. But I have always volunteered and I go to a lot of their little classroom parties. I have been a preschool teacher and enjoy that job... but it's different than coming in as a mom. I totally get it!!! :)

    1. Haha! I send the Hubs to Costco too! He's the one who thinks we save money by shopping there, so he can brave the madness. Not me. :) I don't what I would do if I had to feed five people!

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