Thursday, May 31, 2012

Perfectly Normal Things I Never Want to Do

If you’ve read my blog even a little bit, you know that I’m not a lazy ass. I’m driven by accomplishment, and few things make me happier than getting stuff done.

But some things just sound like a shit-ton of work, and I’m exhausted at the mere thought of them. Here are three perfectly normal things that I never ever want to do.

#1. Have a yard sale

After spending hours, if not days, cleaning out closets and drawers and nooks and crannies, you organize all your unwanted crap on tables and tarps on your front lawn. Hoarders, collectors and cheap-asses swarm in and start picking through your stuff and turning their noses up at it. (Yeah, like their crap is sooo much better.) Champion yard sale negotiators will haggle with you over fifty cents. Other people slowly drive by with their heads out the window, reject your crap from a distance, and keep on driving without stopping.

At the end of the day, you’re left with most of your unwanted crap still sitting on your lawn. All that effort for what? A few extra bucks? Meh.  

If I have something good I want to get rid of, I’ll attempt to sell it on eBay. (Someone actually bought all of my barely used scrapbooking stuff about 4.8 seconds after I posted it. Holla!) But if for some reason my super awesome items don’t sell on eBay (why won’t anyone buy my old CD collection?), I have no problem dropping them off at Goodwill or tossing them in the trash.

Simple. Easy. Done. That’s how I like it. No sitting in my front yard all day. No strangers sniffing around my things. No price tags made of masking tape.

#2. Be a classroom mom

I love kids. Really, I do. However, being in a classroom with thirty pre-schoolers sounds like a little piece of hell.

I’m currently educating myself on all the pre-school options in our area, and I’m completely overwhelmed by all the different types. I didn’t even know there were different types of pre-schools. For example, I had never heard of “parent participation schools” until recently. Going to school with your kid is an option? Does it make me a bad mom if I soooo don’t want to do that?

I mean, I’m not a pre-school teacher for a reason. It takes a special kind of beautiful person to take on that job, and I’m just not one of them.

I’m aware that I might have to eat my words on this one when Quinn starts pre-school. After all, I’m a huge control freak, and I’m insanely over-protective of my little boy. So there’s a chance I’ll change my mind and decide that witnessing what goes on in his classroom is worth enduring the yelling, whining and pants-wetting of thirty other four year olds. 

So maybe someday I’ll be that mom, but I won’t like it. I’ll probably start drinking. More than I already do.

#3. Go to Costco

Being in Costco isn’t as bad as spending a day with thirty screaming four year olds, but it’s damn close.

I can’t think of a single thing I like about Costco. No matter what time of day I go, it’s always a frickin’ madhouse. I don’t like finding a spot in that traffic jam of a parking lot. I don’t like waiting to show someone my special membership card before I can even enter the store. I don’t like maneuvering the extra large shopping cart around all the people bellying up around the free sample tables likes it’s Thanksgiving dinner.

I don’t like moving like molasses through the thick crowds of people. I don’t like not being able to tell what items are in an aisle without going down that aisle. I don’t like waiting in the world’s longest checkout lines. (Seriously, there better be a fucking roller coaster at the end of this thing.) And then, you have to wait in line again just to leave the store because someone needs to see your receipt and make sure you didn’t steal anything.

I don’t like how they don’t even bag your items… because all the merchandise is HUGE! I have to be a Tetris master to fit it all into my shopping cart, then fit it all into my car, then fit it all into my house. People try to convince me that it’s a better value to buy in bulk. I call bullshit! If I have a huge box of granola bars, I will just eat more granola bars. So I end up spending more money and eating more. Not good for the wallet or the waist line.

Shit. Now I really want a granola bar. 

What about you? What perfectly normal things do you refuse to do?