If you’ve read my blog even a little bit, you know that I’m not a lazy ass. I’m driven by accomplishment, and few things
make me happier than getting stuff done.
But some things just sound like a shit-ton of work, and I’m
exhausted at the mere thought of them. Here are three perfectly normal things
that I never ever want to do.
#1. Have a yard sale
After spending hours, if not days, cleaning out closets and
drawers and nooks and crannies, you organize all your unwanted crap on tables and
tarps on your front lawn. Hoarders, collectors and cheap-asses swarm in and
start picking through your stuff and turning their noses up at it. (Yeah, like their
crap is sooo much better.) Champion yard
sale negotiators will haggle with you over fifty cents. Other people slowly drive by with their heads
out the window, reject your crap from a distance, and keep on driving without
stopping.
At the end of the day, you’re left with most of your
unwanted crap still sitting on your lawn. All that effort for what? A few extra
bucks? Meh.
If I have something good I want to get rid of, I’ll attempt
to sell it on eBay. (Someone
actually bought all of my barely used
scrapbooking stuff about 4.8
seconds after I posted it. Holla!) But if for some reason my super awesome
items don’t sell on eBay (why won’t anyone buy my old CD collection?), I have
no problem dropping them off at Goodwill or tossing them in the trash.
Simple. Easy. Done. That’s how I like it. No sitting in my
front yard all day. No strangers sniffing around my things. No price tags made
of masking tape.
#2. Be a classroom
mom
I love kids. Really, I do. However, being in a classroom
with thirty pre-schoolers sounds like a little piece of hell.
I’m currently educating myself on all the pre-school options
in our area, and I’m completely overwhelmed by all the different types. I didn’t
even know there were different types of pre-schools. For example, I had never
heard of “parent participation schools” until recently. Going to school with
your kid is an option? Does it make me a bad mom if I soooo don’t want to do that?
I mean, I’m not a pre-school teacher for a reason. It takes
a special kind of beautiful person to take on that job, and I’m just not one of
them.
I’m aware that I might have to eat my words on this one when
Quinn starts pre-school. After all, I’m a huge control freak, and I’m insanely
over-protective of my little boy. So there’s a chance I’ll change my mind and decide
that witnessing what goes on in his classroom is worth enduring the yelling,
whining and pants-wetting of thirty other four year olds.
So maybe someday I’ll
be that mom, but I won’t like it. I’ll
probably start drinking. More than I already do.
#3. Go to Costco
Being in Costco
isn’t as bad as spending a day with thirty screaming four year olds, but it’s
damn close.
I can’t think of a single thing I like about Costco. No
matter what time of day I go, it’s always a frickin’ madhouse. I don’t like finding
a spot in that traffic jam of a parking lot. I don’t like waiting to show
someone my special membership card before I can even enter the store. I don’t
like maneuvering the extra large shopping cart around all the people bellying
up around the free sample tables likes it’s Thanksgiving dinner.
I don’t like moving like molasses through the thick crowds
of people. I don’t like not being able to
tell what items are in an aisle without going down that aisle. I don’t like waiting in the world’s
longest checkout lines. (Seriously, there better be a fucking roller coaster at
the end of this thing.) And then, you have to wait in line again just to leave the store because someone needs to see your
receipt and make sure you didn’t steal anything.
I don’t like how they don’t even bag your items… because all
the merchandise is HUGE! I have to be a Tetris master to fit it all into my shopping
cart, then fit it all into my car, then fit it all into my house. People try to
convince me that it’s a better value to buy in bulk. I call bullshit! If I have
a huge box of granola bars, I will just eat more granola bars. So I end up
spending more money and eating more. Not good for the wallet or the waist line.
Shit. Now I really want a granola bar.
What about you? What perfectly normal things do you refuse to do?
