Thursday, May 3, 2012

Why don’t these things exist?

Since becoming a mom, I’ve thought of a bazillion products, services and awesome inventions that would make moms’ lives so much easier. I’m sure you have, too. Here are a few of my fabulous ideas.

Disclaimer: There’s a strong possibility that some, if not all, of these inventions already exist and I just don’t know about them. But I’m too tired to Google them.  

Shopping cart brakes. They’ve always annoyed me, but now that my child is riding in the front of one, shopping carts really piss me off. Why do they not have brakes? The stroller has brakes so Quinn doesn’t roll across the parking lot, so it stands to reason that anything intended to hold a child in should have some sort of brake system. I know I worry about things unnecessarily, as many moms do, but I tighten my death grip on the shopping cart handle as soon as we hit the parking lot.

Because the aerobics stepper I have
doesn't really match the nursery decor. 
Baby crib stepper. I totally understand why the sides of cribs need to be so tall. However, I stand a whopping 5’1”, and with the crib mattress lowered all the way to the bottom, I can’t bend over the side to put Quinn to bed. Imagine spending an hour trying to get your child to sleep only to have him wake up as you try not to drop him into his crib. We’ve had some pretty ungraceful dismounts due to my short stature. I considered creating an elaborate parachute system for him, but that would probably be a safety hazard.

Instead, I think cribs should come with a little step that can be pulled out from underneath and adjusted for the mom’s height (or lack thereof). You should be able to easily pull the step out with your foot so you can do so while holding a sleeping baby. And, of course, the step should move silently without as much as a squeak.

Cars equipped for napping babies. Quinn falls asleep in the car quite often and I’m stuck driving around until he wakes up. I want a soundproof glass divider, like a limousine, so I can talk on the phone and listen to the radio without disturbing him. Of course, a video monitor will come standard in the vehicle. I could watch the baby on the display, and the audio would connect via blue tooth when the baby made a noise. And if there was a way for the car to vibrate slightly and simulate movement even when it’s stopped, that would be killer. That way Quinn wouldn’t wake up when I stopped the car, and I wouldn’t have to drive around.

Attachable umbrellas. A fellow blogger, whom I adore, said someone already beat us to this one. (So why can’t I find one in Target?) I want to be able to attach my umbrella to the stroller or shopping cart so I can push with two hands and not get the two of us wet… or so I can have one hand to hold on to my Starbucks.

More drive-through windows. Getting the baby out of the car can be a huge pain in the ass, especially when you’ve got a long list of errands to run. By the third time I get Quinn out of the car, he’s not going back in without a fight. And there’s the car-nap dilemma again. So I think almost every business should have a drive-through window.

Like Subway. Every other fast food joint has a drive-through, so why can’t the only somewhat healthy place have one? The Subway near where I grew up had a drive-through, but it’s the only one I’ve ever seen. So I know it’s possible!

Oh, and Target. You should be able to order your items online and then drive up to the window to pick them up. Then some nice kid in a red shirt and khaki pants will put your items in your car. Done. Just think of all the time and money you’d save by not walking around Target.

Home delivery and services.  Getting out of the house is a challenge sometimes, so here are some things that someone should deliver to me:

Red Bull. When Q wakes up at the ass-crack of the dawn, I am one groggy mama. There should be a Red Bull delivery service that will bring me that sweet nectar within an hour of my order.

Massage. Yes, I know in-home massages aren’t anything new, but they require appointments and planning and a predictable schedule. I want to be able to order one up and have them there pronto. And there should be a childcare professional that travels with the masseuse who will look after the kids while Mommy gets a massage. And a pedicure.

Sorry, I guess I thought that list would be longer. Apparently, I just need a Red Bull and a massage to be happy.

You’re welcome to shamelessly steal any of these ideas, start a business, and revel in your fortune. I’m too tired to do it myself. Just let me know when you do, and I will be a loyal customer.

What inventions or other ideas have you come up with since becoming a mom? And where can I buy them?