After part one of this post
last week, I had several engaging discussions with real life friends and bloggy
friends. The support and encouragement poured in. I deeply appreciate all the
comments and emails in which you shared your perspectives and stories.
A common theme in these discussions was how we raise boys in a
world where women are dehumanized and objectified? How do we raise our boys to
respect women? To not feel entitled
to women’s bodies? To be better men than
the men around them?
Many of us agreed that it starts with the values established in
the home and the examples set by the parents. Let me tell you a little about
how this went down at my house when I was growing up.
My mom was stricter than most of my friends’ parents. Many of her
rules frustrated me back then, but now I totaly understand.
I couldn’t wear make-up outside the house until I was thirteen
(although I did try to sneak some mascara on a few occasions).
I couldn’t call boys until was sixteen (although I did everything
in my power to find loopholes in this one).
I was in high school before I was finally allowed to watch R-rated
movies (although I watched a few at friends’ houses).
I was in college before I uttered a cuss word in front of my
mother on purpose (although my friends and I thought we were so cool cussing up
a storm when no adults could hear us).
I never left the house
in some of the barely-there outfits that young girls wear today. (Luckily, I
grew up in the grunge era, when we wore flannel shirts over more flannel
shirts, baggy jeans and hiking boots, so I didn’t even try to break this rule.)
Aside from the few occasions I was given sips of wine coolers at
family functions, I wasn’t allowed to drink alcohol. (Although I did go to one party my senior year of high school and
drank a little too much.)
Sometimes I got caught breaking the rules. Sometimes I didn’t. But
when I did get caught, there were consequences.
When I became an adult, my mom and I had an interesting
conversation about her rules. She knew she wouldn’t find out every time I broke
them. She told me, “But when you didn’t get caught, I wanted to make sure you
knew you were getting away with something.”
That really resonated with me. Many of my friends’ parents let
them cuss and drink and all that stuff at home because “They’re going to do it
anyway, so why not? I’d rather them do it here.” My mom took a very different
approach. She wanted me to know that the values in our home were different than
those in the world outside of it.
I tell you all of this for a reason.
I want the values in my home to be different, too. I don’t want my
son to stumble across porn or adult magazines and realize that those items
belong to his parents. I know I can’t shelter him from that garbage forever,
but I want my home to be a safe place from it. I didn’t like how I felt as a
child finding porn in my
friend's bathroom, and I don’t want Quinn to feel that way in his own home.
(And after a little therapy, I realized that I want to feel safe from that in my own home, too, even as an
adult.)
But how do I create safety without over-sheltering him? There has
to be a healthy balance that teaches him to be better than the world, yet doesn’t
create so much curiosity that it has the opposite effect.
I had a fabulous conversation about this with Sherilin of Laughing My Abs Off, and she
said it perfectly:
I think one of the biggest things I do
differently as a parent is that I try to inform [my daughter] about anything
that's interesting or naughty or mysterious to her. If you take the mystery
away and open up some communication on the topic, it removes the sneaky draw of
those things. The kid is informed, and it doesn't have to be a big deal that
whispers to them in the dark.
Beautifully said, Sherlin!
Quinn will have a healthy, normal curiosity when he’s older. He
might hide a magazine under his mattress or visit an adult website. The easiest
thing to do would be to look the other way and not talk about it. It would be
an embarrassing conversation for both us, and he’s going to do it anyway, and
boys will be boys, and blah blah blah…
… but when he doesn’t get caught, I want him to know he’s getting
away with something, that his parents stand for something better than what the
world stands for. He won’t have those values unless we have the tough
conversations. He’ll grow up to feel entitled to women’s bodies just like so
many other men.
So the conversations will be had, without shame or judgment.
And probably more importantly, Hubs and I will be his examples
with our own behavior. SDL
reposted this list of 28 Rules for Fathers of Sons by Diapers & Daisies, and the first one, I believe, is the most important. She
says a father is to love his son’s mother because his son “will learn to love
like you love.”
Men who respect women raise men who respect women.
Period.
(Call me a
judgmental ass, but I honestly don’t know how men with daughters can visit strip clubs. I just… I can’t wrap my
brain around that… it fucking baffles me. What if that was your little
girl on that pole, dude?? WTF?? Sorry if that offends anyone, but I seriously
don’t get it.... Anyway, deep breath...)
I don’t know if this entitlement mentality in our society will ever change. All I can do is try to raise
a son who will someday rise above it and be better than the men around him.
