Thursday, August 29, 2013

That’s what twerking is?

I admit that until Miley Cyrus’ latest buzz worthy performance at the VMAs, I had no idea what “twerking” was. (To review, I’m 34 and I live under a rock most of the time.) Maybe Miley wasn’t doing it right (she did seem rather unnatural up there), or maybe it’s because she just has a teeny tiny tushie, but I thought “twerking” would be more… involved.

Sorry to burst the bubble of you youngin’s out there, but people have been doing that raunchy move since long before I first started going to dance clubs when I was eighteen. Back in the 90s, it was called “grinding.” (Eric Nies, anyone? No? Yeah… ok… I’m really f**king old.)

Let me explain. “Grinding” usually involved some strange dude at a club grabbing a girl’s hips from behind and pulling her into him while he started grinding his junk all over her behind. (Yeah, it was about as classy as it sounds.) This crude behavior was usually met with a welcome giggle from the unsuspecting female as she mouthed the words “Is he hot?” to her girlfriends with whom she had been dancing. If her friends nodded and smiled, she’d let the guy continue to dry hump her back and reciprocate with moves of her own. If her friends wrinkled their noses and shook their heads, the girl would whip around and push the guy away and pretend to be all offended. (Sound familiar to anyone?)

For a very brief time in my early college years, I participating in such inappropriate dancing if I was ridiculously wasted friends with the guy and I knew we were just goofing around. But more often than not, I was labeled the “uptight” one. Getting groped from behind while some strange dude tried to drill a hole in my back never really appealed to me. I know I didn’t grow up in The South or in the 1950s, but come ON! How hard is it to just ask a lady to dance? Why must guys rub their wieners all over girls in clubs and then act like there’s something wrong with the girl if she doesn’t enjoy it? Then the girl has to pretend to enjoy it lest she be labeled “the uptight one.”

I’m not sure what offended me most. It’s not like it was violent. Aggressive, for sure, but I knew I could get away, which I did. I think it goes back to that entitlement mentality that I’ve ranted about before. Back before I could even articulate my reasons, it just really bugged me.

I remember going to a club with my friend, Shawnterra, when I first moved to California in 1999. (For reference, I was 20 years old then, Miley’s current age.) After repeatedly wriggling out of several guys grasps throughout the night, this “uptight one” had had enough. When I felt some guy brush up behind me and we weren’t even on the dance floor, I whirled around and shouted, “Stop touching me!!!” The guy was totally shocked and replied, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to touch you. I was just trying to squeeze by.” He had been on his way to the bathroom. Yeah, I felt like an ass.

Well, this uptight one apparently hasn’t changed much. I cringed when I saw Miley’s and Robin Thicke's moves on stage at the VMAs. Like I said, I wasn’t surprised, and I can’t even be mad about it. I’m just… disappointed.