Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Yeah, so Miley’s a skank. And we’re surprised by this… why?

I didn’t watch the VMAs the other night because I’m 34, I’m on vacation, and I know very little about pop music. (But mostly because I’m 34.) However, when my Facebook and Twitter feeds exploded with “OMG! What is Miley doing??” I had to check it out.

I watched her little performance online, and I saw the odd teddy bear dance, and the nude colored, barely-there outfit, and the foam finger nastiness, and the writhing up on Robin Thicke’s crotch. Yes, I found it to be trashy and distasteful and appalling and slutty. Basically, Miley met my expectations.

I have to wonder why everyone is so surprised. When I heard she would be performing, my first thought was, “What kind of shenanigans is the world going to witness this time?” I mean, think about it. At the young age of 15, Miley’s parents gave the green light for her to pose in nothing but a sheet. Ew. Then a year later, she did a little pole dance at the 2010 Teen Choice Awards, and her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, sat in the front row smiling like the Cheshire Cat. Major EW!

Do you think her skank-tastic performance at the VMAs this week twisted a knife into her daddy’s achy breaky heart? No, of course not. I’m sure it made that sick weirdo proud because Miley has become exactly the whore-riific monster he created. Where we see poor parenting, Billy Ray sees dollar signs. Hopefully he saves some of those dollars. He’ll need them when Miley is sharing a jail cell and/or a fancy room at a rehab resort with Lindsay Lohan. Mark my words, that day will come.

So for all the parents out there who are up in arms about what Miley did in front of their children at the VMAs, let me tell you this as gently as I can.

First, Hannah Montana is dead and gone. The Disney girl you and your kids loved has up and turned 20, and now she thinks she’s all grown up. And what do young Hollywood girls do to prove they’re all grown up? They skank-out on national television and flaunt their grown up woman parts. Britney Spears did it. Christina Aguilera did it. Hell, Madonna did it 30 years ago, and she didn’t even try to do the good girl image thing first. This is not anything new.

Second, we’re talking about an awards show put on by MTV. When is the last time MTV did anything wholesome or appropriate for children to view? The VMAs are not the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, people. MTV has been showing smut for as long as I can remember. Definitely since before they stopped showing music videos. Anyone out there remember George Michael’s “I Want Your Sex” video? I know my mother does! And that was in 1987! So why are we surprised when MTV produces sexually explicit performances in 2013? And it’s not like the VMAs were aired during Saturday morning cartoons. It was after 9pm on a school night (for a lot of schools anyway).

What I found most appalling about the whole thing was Robin Thicke. Why isn’t anyone giving that douche a hard time? I mean, honestly! He’s a 36-year-old married man dry humping a 20-year-old girl. That is not “art.” Even more appalling than his dirty old man-ness was his Beetlejuice/The Riddler/Big Bad VooDoo Daddy suit. Seriously, who dresses these people? (But I still love “Blurred Lines” and will continue to blast it from my speakers when Quinn is not in the car.)

So for the parents and children who are scandalized by what they saw, think of it as a teaching opportunity. Tell your daughter how proud you are that she doesn’t behave that way, and that it’s a shame Miley thinks she has to act like that to get attention instead of relying on her talent, and nothing good comes out that kind of attention. Tell your son that girls who act like that are actually very insecure and teach him not prey on those poor girls.

Wow, this is another instance where I’m glad my kid is only two, and I don’t have to explain anything yet. Those years will be upon me soon, and I can only imagine how much worse it’s going to be then. *shudder*




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