I recently saw a video that warned against the three words you should
never say to your son - “be a man.”
The expectations of how men should behave that our society puts on even the
youngest boys are absurd. As a mother to an especially sensitive little boy, I
definitely have strong opinions on this topic.
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My sweet, sensitive Q, who likes to "play yoga" and would never hurt a fly. |
Quinn (who just turned three) instantly cries when another
child takes his toy away, or won’t share a toy with him, or is in any way physically aggressive with him.
Even if the other child doesn’t hurt him, Quinn’s feelings get hurt, and he cries as loud as he would if he were gushing blood.
I see the way some men look at Q when he gets
emotional. There’s the eyebrow raise or the eye roll, maybe a knowing look
shared with someone else who gives a slight nod as if I won’t notice. I try not
to assume the worst about people – especially our friends and family – but I
think I know what they’re thinking: “That kid needs to toughen up. He’s going
to be a p**sy.”
Then the scruff on this Mama Bear’s neck stands up a little and my nostrils flare. I take a deep
breath and try not to care what those men think. But I do care. And worse yet,
I know Quinn cares, and he will easily pick up on their scorn within the next
couple years.
If these men saw a little girl acting the same way Q does,
they might think she’s a bit annoying, but they would never attack her character.
Yet, when my little boy gets emotional, suddenly his future manhood is on the
line?
I follow my cousin’s eleven-ish year-old son on Instagram, and I see the chest-thumping
banter between him and his friends. They bust each other’s balls and call each
other “gay.” They post pictures of Maxim models and leave
disgusting comments, like that they want to take her to “condom city.” First of
all? EW!! Second, ain’t nobody takin’
anybody anywhere. These middle school boys are all virgins and they all know
it, but they already believe that’s how real men are supposed to talk. Hence,
the rejection of homosexuality
and the dehumanization of women
begin at a young age.
I remember when my parents divorced, someone told my two year-old brother he was "the
man of the house." Are you kidding me? What does that even mean? Don’t
even get me started on how insulting that must have been to my mother – a perfectly
competent adult who is assumed to be so weak just because she’s female that her
two year-old son now has a duty to protect her? I was only thirteen at the
time, and I was insulted. But all that aside, what kind of pressure does “man
of the house” put on a little boy?
What exactly does it mean to “be a man,” anyway? Does it
mean to never cry? To be physically aggressive? To intimidate? To show your
anger but keep all other emotions well hidden? To watch porn, have lots of sex
and disrespect women? To never
let anyone disrespect you? To take what you want? To take control? To feed on
power no matter who you have to take it from? I ask because it seems that when
a male – regardless of age – acts counter to the above behaviors, he’s told to “be
a man” or “man up,” or he’s at least laughed at by other males who think that’s
what men do.
When adults whom a young boy loves and respects negatively feminize
crying, caring, etc., he quickly figures out that most of his emotions are not
acceptable male behavior. And we wonder why we live in such a violent world. We’ve
all met grown men who push their emotions down, deny their own pain and act tough, and those men are
usually assholes. And I’m doing my damnedest not to raise a couple of assholes.
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image credit |
I love that Quinn is compassionate, empathetic and
affectionate. I’m proud that he vocalizes his feelings and is learning to stand
up for them. He rightly believes that his feelings matter! Yes, I know my son
is emotional and sensitive, probably to a fault, but I can think of worse
faults for a man to have than being “too sensitive.” In fact, I think this
world could use a few more sensitive men.
Pouring my heart out with Shell over at "Things I Can't Say."
Pouring my heart out with Shell over at "Things I Can't Say."
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